The following is a four part series on practical coping skills during the holiday season. These skills do not set aside prayer and other core spiritual disciplines, but hone in on areas that may directly challenge one in recovery. They are just suggestions to add to your set of recovery skills.
Keep in mind that even if you don't think you're vulnerable during this season, there are probably many in your circles who are. The following can be a good resource to develop awareness for what others might wrestle with. It is also a season where many exemplify excessive behaviors that they've been hiding--the person you work with who seems together and at the staff party drinks like a fish, acting in ways you've never considered before. God might use you to lead another into a conversation about what recovery is and why it might be important for them.
Holidays may bring on a confusing array of emotions for anyone. People in recovery may be especially vulnerable. We may feel the effects of sadness, loneliness, seasonal depression and stress more easily than others do. Rather than allowing these problems to impede your recovery efforts, start preparing now for the weeks to come.
Depression
It is not unusual for depression to accompany the anxiety of the holiday season. Because depression may make recovery difficult, extra care should be taken to deal with it as soon as the symptoms are detected.
The holidays may magnify many of the situations
that are normally difficult for people.
For example, if you have difficulty going to parties, you may be faced with the decision of how to handle various invitations. Whether you go or not, you will be challenging your ability to cope, and if you feel you have failed, depression may follow. No one situation can cause you to be depressed; however, it's easy to see how these situations may build up in a very short time.
A party is but one small example. You may have to cope with loneliness, family tensions, and grief. If you are not prepared for these situations, you may become overwhelmed easily.
If you find yourself becoming depressed every year around this time, you might have seasonal depression. This is experienced depression during the autumn and winter months.
Stress
Holidays are stressful for many of us. Stress is your body's reaction to change, both internal and external. For most people, the holidays involve a great deal of change. Changes may be little: perhaps you have a lot of guests coming and you'll have to rearrange various rooms in your house. And changes may be huge: maybe this is your first holiday without one of your parents.
Each of these changes involves different coping skills, and you should deal with each separately. Additionally, you shouldn't underestimate the impact of those "little" changes. Stress may build up quickly, making you vulnerable to your specific triggers.
We can't prevent most changes in life, and we probably wouldn't want to! The holidays can be a wonderful time of celebrating and being in the company of good people. Since you cannot prevent change and, therefore, cannot prevent stress, you'll want to learn the many ways you can cope with stress.
Grief
You may find yourself grieving during the holidays for any number of reasons. We grieve if a loved one dies, but other major losses may cause grief as well. Family relationships may produce intense emotions. Maybe one of your children will be away during the holidays this year. Maybe there was a family conflict during the year, and you won't be seeing certain relatives. Many situations like these can produce feelings of emptiness and loss.
For whatever reason you may be grieving, it's important to learn about grief and how you can cope with the situation. Don't underestimate the impact grief may have on you during a particular day. Reach out to family members and friends who may have experienced the same loss. Face it together.
Loneliness
Holidays may produce intense feelings of loneliness, particularly because so many of us have ideals of what the "perfect" holiday should be. It's possible to feel lonely even with a group of people, particularly if that one special person is missing from the group.
Loneliness may hit hard, and you shouldn't think of yourself as immune from such feelings. Additionally, loneliness is one emotion that feeds depression. Think about where you will be this holiday season and how it will make you feel. Even if you will be alone during part of the holidays, you can plan ways to make yourself comfortable. One idea is to have several phone numbers of “buddies” available to call. Tell your support friends that you might be calling during a specific time.
Part 2: How to Prepare for the Holidays
By now, you probably have begun some sort of preparation for the holiday season, even if it's simply some initial thinking about what you need to do. It's also time to think about what to do to make sure you stick to your recovery during the holidays.
Writing down your problems, anxieties and concerns is often helpful. Just expressing the many racing thoughts which can lead to increased anxiety can help. However, you can also use writing as a proactive problem-solving exercise.
Set aside some time to do the following exercise, a time when you will not be interrupted and when you can start and finish the exercise in one sitting.
On a sheet of paper or your word processor, create three columns. Label the columns with the following headers:
* The Problem
* Why the Problem May Bother Me
* What I Can Do About It
Start by listing every possible situation, person, or anything else which may bother you during the holiday season. Be as specific as you can. In other words, rather than writing, "I'll be depressed," think of the situations or thoughts or interactions which might result in your feeling depressed. Also, try to break down general situations, like "holiday parties." What exactly about parties will bother you? It might sound obvious, but different aspects of parties affect people differently. Maybe you've even decided not to attend any parties, but you'll still have to deal with refusing invitations and the aftermath ("Oh, we had such a great time; why weren't you there?").
As you write down these possible areas of concern, don't underestimate the impact avoidance may have on your emotions and your recovery. It's best to think about what you plan to do now rather than when the situations start coming up. Attending family gatherings, for example, may cause you a lot of anxiety, but how will you feel when you are sitting home alone? It's OK if you feel you must make that decision, but be ready to handle your feelings after the decision has been made.
At the same time you are writing down the areas of concern, you may also think of why these areas will bother you, including how you think you'll feel because of these situations. Be honest with yourself. You might even rate the severity of your emotions in order to best judge when you will be feeling worst.
Also, jot down ways you would like to positively impact people. Think of a few people you would like to encourage over the holidays. Who can you reach out to? Maybe send an early card to a specifc personality that might be difficult a week before you arrive for dinner.
These are just a few suggestions to get you going. Each person has their unique circumstances, but the key idea here is to prepare for the holidays in order to stay true to your recovery.
Part 3: Solving Your Challenges
Now that you have your list, it's time to decide what you can and cannot control. For example, your mother tends to be openly critical about what you wear. It hurts you most during the holidays because she does it in front of people. Her criticism brings up all sorts of childhood memories and ends up putting a major dent in your self-image (which you've been working so hard on lately).
You cannot control your mother. That's all there is to it. Yes, maybe someday the two of you can sit down and talk rationally about it, but Thanksgiving dinner certainly is not the time. The only thing you can control is how you react to your mother's comments. You may be tempted to avoid your mother altogether, but, often the outcome of avoiding one's mother is far more painful than putting up with some baseless criticism.
Only you can decide the best way for you to handle such a situation, but the bottom line is that you do have control over your reaction to her comments.
One possible reaction is to say, "I appreciate your opinion, Mom, and I think we both know that we don't agree on clothes. I like my outfit a lot." Say it with a smile, and even go one step further by complimenting (if you can do it genuinely) something about her appearance. And move on. That's it; it's over for now.
This one small example is meant to illustrate that you cannot control other people. You may face far more serious situations than a little scuffle about clothing (although the emotions involved in the clothing example are more serious than they appear on the surface). In fact, you don't have much control over your own emotions which rise initially during such a situation. You do have control over what you do about them. When your mom criticizes you, don't beat yourself up for feeling that initial blow to your self-image. Feel it, react with care, and move on.
Your solutions will be as many and varied as your challenges. By breaking down the holidays into each situation you may face, you'll find that the season is more manageable for you. When you write your list, you may find that you can't figure out a solution. Don't just leave it, wait for the situation to arrive, and hope to think of a solution then. Take your list to a friend to work through the situation and come up with appropriate coping methods.
Part 4: General Preparation
There are a number of actions you may take or changes you may incorporate into your life to add to your overall sense of well-being during the holidays.
This is a good time to begin regular practice of relaxation and breathing exercises. Regular practice (once or twice a day) will ultimately give you an ability to relax more easily throughout the day.
* Learn some relaxation exercises, and you'll know that any time, you have the ability to go off by yourself and relax for 10 or 15 minutes.
* Expect the unexpected. Yes, you can prepare for the normal situations that you know will come up in your typical holiday season. But, the unexpected will occur. Don't allow it to take over. Remember that you cannot control everything. And remember that your recovery comes first.
* Now, more than ever, you need a good support system, preferably one made up of people who are also in recovery that can relate. If you don't have one, speak with someone in leadership. Have someone to call—a list of three buddies. If you are going to be in a stressful situation, ask these buddies if you can call or they can be on alert. Like a 911 call, a recovery call can be as serious for someone gripped with stress and temptation, especially if you are away from your familiar circles. The temptation to cheat, to party with those who love to party, or rationalizing that nobody at the party knows you, so… increases greatly during the holidays.
* In the midst of all your giving, giving, giving, remember to give yourself a break and enjoy. Have something to look forward to that will not negatively impact your recovery. Think of things that will bring comfort and relaxation. If you’re a people person, have someone to call. If you like alone time, get off by yourself. If music helps, bring your favorite tunes. Sometimes pictures of friends really help when you feel alone. Carry them with you to pull out when you feel alone, even in the midst of family when away from home.
* Don't let anyone else tell you what you can and cannot do. Or what you should or should not be able to do. This doesn't mean that you should ignore all advice, particularly that of your sponsor and/or accountability partner. However, don't let people push you into doing something you're not ready to do, especially at a party with family or friends who are not Christians. Most people will respect you if you decline a drink or another activity when you tell them you are in recovery. Don’t be pressured! If you'd like to be able to go somewhere or attend a function, and you don't feel ready, consider working on it with someone close. Don’t forget to reach out and ask for help as well. Others can’t read what you may be feeling inside and if you take this as rejection, you might go further into isolation.
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