Margo's Story of Co-Dependence

The following story is *not* from a Rocky Peak member at CR.

Out of Baby Shoes

I came into recovery with an addiction to cocaine, but I quickly realized that I also had a problem with alcohol. If I stopped cocaine but kept drinking, I’d eventually go back to cocaine. I knew I had to stop using mind-altering substances altogether.

Five years into the program, my life hit bottom when the man I was seeing left me. I was devastated. As I talked to my sponsor, I saw a clear pattern in my life: I had to be in a relationship with a man to feel good about myself. That, I learned, is co-dependence.

Without a man, I had no idea who I was. I felt lost, with very poor self-esteem. I was addicted to men. It wasn’t the sex—it was that they met my needs and made me feel alive. Without them, I was unstable, but with them, I felt confident. When these relationships changed or ended, I fell apart.

One of the most important things I realized in recovery was that my thinking controlled my behavior. When I believed I wasn’t good enough, I would cling to men so they could make me feel good about myself. Actually, it was harder for me to recover from co-dependence than from my cocaine addiction because my need to be connected to men was at the core of my soul. It defined me.

Without relationships with men, I felt insignificant, insecure and lost. I couldn’t stand feeling that way, so I quickly looked for another man to fill the hole in my heart. Men, you could say, were my drug of choice.

Recovery has been a wonderful process of learning to recognize my God-given self-worth. I’ve learned to accept his love for me, and his love has made me more secure. I’ve learned so much by going to women’s support groups and co-dependence groups.

Just sharing my story with people who understand has meant a lot to me and helped me grow. Many women struggle with the same problem of not feeling whole if they don’t have a man. My goal is to be OK in or out of a relationship with a man.

I stayed out of relationships with men for about two years, and then my sponsor suggested that I test myself by dating again. She told me, “You’ll never know how far you’ve come until you’re in a relationship again.”

I waited a while, but eventually I started dating a guy. I realized that I’d made progress, and old, bad habits had changed. Change felt good. Once you’re out of your baby shoes, they don’t fit any more.

Today, I have a wonderful relationship with God and with people who are following him. I know that if God brings a man into my life, it’s only to enhance my life, not consume it. And I know that if a man leaves me, I may be hurt, but I won’t be devastated again. That’s real progress.