Each is described below in detail.
- Adult Children of Troubled Environments
- Anger Management
- Chemically Dependent
- Codependent
- COSA (Codependent Women in Relationship with Sexually Addicted Men)
- Food Related Strongholds
- Relationship/Love Addiction
- Sexual/Pornography Addiction
- Sexual/Physical/Emotional Abuse
Adult Children of Troubled Environments:
Adult children may:
- guess at what normal is.
- have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
- lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
- judge themselves without mercy.
- have difficulty having fun.
- take themselves very seriously.
- have difficulty with intimate relationships.
- over-react to changes over which they have no control.
- constantly seek approval and affirmation.
- feel that they are different from other people.
- are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
- are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
- look for immediate rather than deferred gratification.
- lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
- seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
- avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.
- fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others.
- fear failure, but sabotage their success.
- fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.
- manage time poorly and do not set priorities in a way that works well for them.
In order to change, adult children of alcoholics cannot use history as an excuse for continuing their behaviors. They have no regrets for what might have been, for their experiences have shaped their talents as well as their defects of character. It is their responsibility to discover these talents, to build their self-esteem and to repair any damage done. They will allow themselves to feel their feelings, to accept them, and learn to express them appropriately. When they have begun those tasks, they will try to let go of their past and get on with the business of their life.
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Every person has a "Pattern of Toxic Behavior" that can significantly damage the important and intimate relationships in his or her life.
Anger is one of our ten basic, God-given, emotions. This emotion can be CONSTRUCTIVE or DESTRUCTIVE - depending upon our response. The focus in Celebrate Recovery is on giving Jesus a "NANO SECOND" (just one billionth of a second!) to help us use all of our emotions according to God's design, for our lives, and to appropriately change our pattern of relating to others and our responsibilities.
When most of us think of an "angry" person we think of someone who destroys themselves and their relationships through uncontrollable outbursts of rage. We usually picture someone who goes around slamming doors, yelling loudly, and making life miserable for everyone, including themselves. Yet this is only one part of anger, as anger has many faces. Equally as damaging and destructive is anger that is suppressed, or "stuffed," as it will only continue to destructively influence our behaviors and attitudes. Ultimately, even suppressed anger erupts from deep within the heart.
Recognizing and accepting responsibility for toxic patterns of behavior is the first hurdle to overcome as one runs the race toward true freedom. Walking through the recovery process with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power allows us to admit our powerlessness to control our anger, as well as trust that He will help us to overcome our destructive habits.
Breaking the old patterns that have kept us locked into destructive behavior takes time. What took years to bring about will take some time to change. But with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power, and the willingness to allow Him to change our life, real freedom from anger is possible!
Breaking the old patterns that have kept us locked into destructive behavior takes time. What took years to bring about will take some time to change. But with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power, and the willingness to allow Him to change our life, real freedom from anger is possible!
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Chemically Dependent: The Problem
Sometime in our past, perhaps as a child, we were hurt in a way we were not equipped to handle. Some of us were neglected, rejected or abused by someone close to us. This hurt, along with a loss of trust and innocence gave us a wound we were unable to hide from.
To deal with our pain, we sought ways to cope, some healthy and some not. As our wounds remained hidden, over time, they grew deeper and more painful. As we continued to medicate the pain and stress in our life, we began to exist in an altered world where more and more of our time and energy focused on supporting our habits.
By the time we came out of denial, our coping mechanisms had taken control of our lives. They were no longer a solution to the pain, but had become destructive problems that were hurting us and those around us.
For some of us, we used alcohol; for others it was drugs. For some it was another substance or behavior. For each of us, it stopped being a help to us and became our master and god.
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Codependent: Definition & Traits From the book -
LOVE IS A CHOICE
CODEPENDENCY
"In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.
The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self - personal identity - is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity and problems.
Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things - money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves. " pg.11,12
THE TEN TRAITS OF A CODEPENDENT
1. The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
2. The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
3. The codependent's self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low.
4. A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.
5. Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.
6. The codependent's relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.
7. The codependent is a master of denial and repression.
8. The codependent worries about things he or she can't change and may well try to change them.
9. A codependent's life is punctuated by extremes.
10. A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life. pg.28
COMMON TRAITS
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
4. My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
8. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
9. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
10. Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
11. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
12. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume.
13. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
14. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
15. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
16. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
17. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
18. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
19. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
20. The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours. ___________________________________________________________________
COSA (Codependent Women in Relationship with Sexually Addicted Men)
The Problem
Some time during our lives we came to believe that no one would love us as we are, that we are basically bad and somehow unworthy of being loved. For some of us, these beliefs may have been caused by an abusive or absent parent, or other relationship, during our childhood. We have learned the only person we can rely on and trust is ourselves. We believe that if we have to depend on someone else, our needs will never be met. We also believe that sex is one of the most important signs of love.Throughout our lives we may have had many chaotic relationships. Some of us have become helpless over our own lives; we have failed to hold the addict accountable for his actions. We have been inconsistent with following through on consequences for the addict's behavior. We have given in to his desires, even when it violated our own personal values or boundaries. We have attempted to take control away from the addict physically, emotionally and sometimes financially when he has failed in his responsibilities.
We have tried to control the addict's behavior, thinking that as long as he follows our directions, or suggestions, he will stop being a sex addict. We have sometimes pretended to family, friends, and co-workers, that everything is "wonderful". We have been unforgiving and sometimes punishing toward the addict.
Many of us blame ourselves for the addict's behavior: "If only I were prettier, thinner, taller, shorter, etc�. if only I were more sexual" We give in to him, only to lose ourselves in the process. Sometimes we have even participated in his sexual fantasies, or joined in by buying him pornography or renting videos, leaving us feeling used and abused. Some of us ignored or did not recognize the signs that the addict was living a secret life.
Many of us blame the addict and his behavior for every problem in our relationship.
We believe that if he would only change, everything would be fine.
Some of us have mistaken the intensity and excitement of our sex lives for intimacy and love. But we have come to realize there is no real closeness in our relationship and our needs left unmet.
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Food Related Strongholds
This recovery support group's purpose is to conquer the painful effects of eating disorders. To that end we support each other as family. We seek to apply the 8 Recovery Principles to our lives and to our relationships.
We welcome you. We cannot fix your problems, and we will not seek to run your life for you. We will accept you and love you. This is a safe place.
When we attended our first meeting, many of us were having a variety of feelings. We were relieved to find a place where people might understand our pain and despair. We were angry that we had to get help and could not manage alone this part of our lives. We felt lonely and were ashamed of the way our lives had become. We had secrets that we were reluctant to share.
Our group is not a therapy group or a study group. It is a Christ-centered support group. We do not give advice. We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other.
Here we learn a new way of living. We learn, at our own pace, to experience in a healthy way intimacy and sharing with others. We learn to trust, to ask for our needs to be met, to say no when no is appropriate, to express our feelings, and to hang around when all we want to do is run. Here no one shames us for what we have done or still are doing. Here we have a safe harbor within which to heal, and for that we are grateful. The only requirement for membership in our group is a desire to change our unhealthy eating behaviors.
Those of us who have experienced life change through the program offer this challenge to you. This program works as we complete the work with the help and supervision of a sponsor or accountability partner. If you do not have a sponsor or accountability partner, we encourage you to enlist one, complete the written work in the Celebrate Recovery Workbooks as part of a Step Study and share your work with your sponsor.
We are happy you are here. We encourage you to take one day at a time and keep coming back... it works.
We recommend several actions to help you begin recovery:
- Attend several meetings before you decide if this group is not for you.
- We encourage you to obtain a copy of the Celebrate Recovery Workbooks and Life Recovery Bible.
- Sharing in the meeting is your choice. You can pass when it is your turn.
- You will receive a phone list. Use the phone list to call people when you need help.
- We guard the anonymity and confidentiality of group members carefully. Do not share who you see or what you hear in these meetings with anyone.
- Keep coming back. God will change your life as you apply the Christ-centered 8 Recovery Principles.
Attending this meeting is the first step in confronting the denial in our lives. We are glad that you are here, and we encourage and support you as you grow with us. We love and support you.
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Relationship/Love Addiction
- Lack of nurturing and attention when young
- Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
- Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
- Mistake intensity for intimacy
- Hidden Pain
- Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at all cost
- Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
- Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
- Depressed
- Highly manipulative and controlling of others
- Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
- Sense of worthlessness
- Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
- Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
- Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
- Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty
- Using others to alter mood or relieve pain
- Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
- Driven, desperate, frantic personality
- Existence of secret "double life"
- Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
- Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
- Defining "wants" as "needs"
- Experience genuine love
- Discover true intimacy
- Fill the aching void inside
- Grasp the meaning of life
- Find union with God
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Sexual/Pornography Addiction
Celebrate Recovery Sexual Purity groups offer Christ-centered support for men and women seeking recovery from lust and compulsive sexual behaviors. The cornerstone for our recovery is the power and love of Jesus Christ. It is built upon the fellowship of the group, having a safe place to share our struggles, pain, and victories, with the accountability and the mutual support of the group throughout the week.
How do you know if this group is for you? We offer the following observations of what is true for us:
We share a common experience of engaging in sexual behaviors, which are demoralizing and demeaning to another, or ourselves, and which we feel unable to stop, even in spite of the adverse consequences to our lives. We have sacrificed relationships, jobs, or our humanity, and yet we continued to engage in these damaging and compulsive sexual behaviors.
Many of us share a common history of some type of childhood abuse. We were yelled at or told we were worthless or stupid or ugly. Today we recognize these as emotional abuse. We were neglected, knocked down, or struck with objects. Today we know this to be physical abuse. Lastly, we were touched, pawed, coerced or forced into sexual activities. Today we call this sexual abuse. Whatever abuses we suffered, we learned that to survive we had to find a way to not feel the overwhelming and unbearable pain.
Instinctively we built walls around our hearts. Lust is a magical wall in that it gives the illusion of connection. So we feel safe, but we remain alone inside our prison. Unconsciously we felt we were somehow broken, that we were different from others and not normal. Sex with ourselves or with others gave us the illusion of acceptance and thus the cure to our worthlessness. We needed a constant supply of sexual activity to stay cured. To lust is to live. Lust had become the most important thing in our lives. Some of us were willing to risk and lose everything to get and keep it. Only when we came face to face with the truth that lust was a liar, did we become willing to let it go. Lust promises to connect us with others and make us whole. But it never does.
Our hope:
We have accepted that we cannot control our lustful thoughts and behaviors in our own strength. We have learned that through the power of Jesus Christ we can live sober lives, one minute at a time and one day at a time. If you identify with these issues, and if you are weary from your struggle, then we invite you to fellowship with us at Celebrate Recovery as we daily seek the Lord's guidance on our journey of recovery from sexual addiction.
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Sexual/Physical/Emotional Abuse
Celebrate Recovery is a place for women in recovery from past physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. Our common background is a history of abuse and our goal is to enter into or maintain recovery. Recovery for us is a two-fold issue. We need healing from the traumas done to us in our past; we also need healing from the influence these past experiences continue to have on our present lives.
For the "old-timers", those women with the same issues but who have already begun the road to recovery, this group can provide a place in which to continue their recovery process.
As with any other Christ-centered recovery group we believe that, by our participation through active listening, sharing and application of the Steps to our lives, the Holy Spirit will guide us to further understanding, healing and wholeness.
One of our objectives is to provide a supportive, yet safe environment. We are not here to lecture, preach, fix or provide therapy. We are here to tell our story. We come together to share in our weakness, for it is in our weakness that we gain strength. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (NIV)
There are other advantages for coming together as a group. One is accountability. We can look to others to honestly let us know how we are doing in our recovery. Old-timers or sponsors can help us see where we may be stuck or provide us with a safe sounding board so that we can hear ourselves. Developing a support system is integral to this program.
Another advantage is the sharing of encouragement. The center of the word encouragement is courage. Sometimes we need others around us who have been there to give us courage to be where we are or to take action. We reflect Christ's grace and love as we move through recovery.
An important advantage is the prayer support that we find with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Also, when we come together we share spiritual gifts.
God never intended for us to heal alone. His plan has always been for us to heal in community. Celebrate Recovery is that community of healing for all of us.
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